Why I hate my husband

        After I left secondary school, I started getting names of school mates who had entered the marriage mart. At first, I kept asking why, why, why. What are they looking for in a husband’s house at that age? But after a while, I learned to keep shut and to thank God for their marriages. In the same manner, I got to sympathize with some of them whose marriages were not working out; those that learned through the hard way that all that glitters is not gold, either due to spousal abuse or some other kind of issue.       

       Ok, I am not here to discuss early marriage….my parents got married at an early age and I like that cos it makes you grow up with your kids; you are able to run around with your 3year old boy without complaining of waist pain or arthritis. At least you can relate to some of the lingos used by your children’s generation, however, I came across a report from sunnewsonline and I had to comment on it.

     According to the report, some women were asked what they hated about their husbands and the answers of some of them were just shocking to me. What got to me was that most of them were young marriages; between 1-5 years. Seriously, Why jump into marriage if you are gonna start complaining after a year? A year? Man, In a year, your wedding cake should still be in your fridge. If you were gonna complain this bad, you might as well had left the man/woman for another person to scoop up. I am of the school of thot that every human being submits to someone on earth. There’s a woman somewhere that a particular guy would listen to or submit to, no matter how diabolical this guy is and vice versa. So, why not leave that partner of yours for the person that would appreciate him/her in the first place?

Words of advice: the more you dwell on your partner’s shortcomings, the more difficult it would be for you to move forward. Just recently I learned I was unconsciously trying to change a friend of mine without even knowing it. Trying to change you hasn’t done me any good, so I have resulted to trying to change me. I am trying to focus on the good in you and to minimize the negatives I used to see. You are not the best person but the light that shines through me is shining on you to show the good in you.

          Please start speaking prophetically into them; instead of accusing “you smoke too much or I hate everything about you like one of them commented, try ‘do you know who you are to me? Do you know what you mean to me? If only you see the “you” that I see; the potentials/untapped potentials in you. I know there’s a real man of God trapped in that arena. You may not see it, but I see it

          I had a friend in the past and out of the blues I started doing that, I always did find something unique about this friend and I sent it to him. Sometimes, it was hard for me to find something good or nice, especially when he had got on my nerves or his shortcomings were glaring at me, but God gave me grace and every new day had something new and different. I didn’t know I sowed a seed in the life of this young man cos months, if not a year later, he revealed to me what those words did to him.

        Please y’all, start building your partner up. Every man is looking for attestation that he is still the man.  Harboring on his negatives and shortcoming is less likely to bring a change in him, rather its gonna push the person farther away or make them antagonistic. Its surprising when someone think they are changing their bad habit for you and you don’t see that, rather all you do is hammer on their shortcomings—before you say Jack Robinson, they start getting defensive and claiming they can never get it right with you.

         Nobody is perfect, not even you—no matter what you would like to believe. Think to yourself, if only he/she could open his/her mouth to tell you what they think of you, you will regret ever thinking negatively about them. Who is to say he likes your smile, style of dressing, mannerism etc, but he puts up with it. Unconsciously we put ourselves up, higher than our partners. He has kept quiet and has refused to talk about things he hates about you, show some class and quit talking about what you hate about him. How about saying what you like about him.

             My words, my views, my style! Naijagirl©2009

Published in: on May 30, 2009 at 2:45 am  Comments (23)  

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23 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. You bring up perfect examples why marriage is a worthless institution. If marriage was really about love, then why involve the government? Men should never get married, especially young when they are not even close to their prime.

    • Marriage is not a worthless institution. The very foundation of a prosperous and great society is Marriage.
      The government is there to protect interests of its citizens and institutions and marriage is no exception. Marriage is also not perfect because it involves people and therefore friction is bound to occur. The govt needs to get involved in order to resolve and manage these situations and of course for economic,population or census purposes.
      You say men should never get married? really? esp when young? Let me ask you: how old is ‘young’? and how old is ‘prime’? Where do you draw the line?

  2. err..no2marriage ok thats ur own opinion…

    start buliding ur partner up…good advice..
    *makes a note of it*

  3. Hmmm… Maybe no2marriage has a valid question.. but i think its the wrong answer to abolish marriage…

    Real dudes who know what life is about, ask the hard questions and verify they are ready before taking the plunge……Was talking to a friend recently and we both agreed that whilst most people (ourselves inlcuded) have a good idea of what they want in a partner, perhaps the persons we are today will not fit into the kind of stuff our dream mate is looking for.. Whilst a potential mate will build up, I think it lies within us as individuals to ask ourselves the hard questions – how far away from being the idea mate to the person of my dreams am I? and taking specific steps to getting there..

    • You don’t have to abolish it, just take the court system out of it. If you want to be married, go to your local church, or chuck e cheese and “poof” you’re married, no special rights, you’re just married, you have your “commitment”.

      I like how she avoided the question though, most women do.

  4. I really, really needed to see this.

    It’s hard sometimes to ignore those skin crawling habits in a partner, but like you said……

    the more you dwell on your partner’s shortcomings, the more difficult it would be for you to move forward.

    Really insightful post………….thanks for sharing.

  5. nice point bagguci…building up ourselves as singles..should always be on our mind…
    well..maybe those complainin bout thier husband were not even ready for marriage in the first place….
    i like the way you dealt with it naijagirl…

  6. @no2marriage….I believe I had written a post “the best marriage” where I tried addressing some of the things you mentioned. I always ask couples about marriage and their view on it. I remember when I went on a searching spree on “why do we have to marry?”. I dont think marriage is a terrible thing. I believe when handled properly, marriage is a beautiful institution and should produce beautiful things. Its just that the occupants tend to release spoilers.
    The court is the govt and vice versa; I have seen men who put more precedence on court marriage as opposed to church marriage. Its cos of the way our system has been molded; a court certificate may lead you farther than where a church certificate would. Of course this shouldnt be so, since it was the church that introduced marriage to us in the first place, but thats just how it is.
    As for men not marrying before their prime–who is to say when they have reached their prime? a man who has passed his prime still doesnt prove that he is eligible for marriage. There are lots of things that ought to be considered when marriage is on the table. Most of us forget to consider these things when considering marriage. In the past, in the days of my grand parents and great grand parents, both men and women married early. some women married way before their prime. I hear these stories and I shudder, but it seemed to work well for them cos some of them were trained in that position and in that frame of mind for marriage. I am sure when you used the word “prime”, you expect them to be matured at that point, its just unfortunate that some do not, or some mature way before that time. I echo same sentiments that people ought to get matured before they jump into the marriage wagon; both male and female

  7. @brokeass…thanks. Start doing that, lol
    @Danny….I like how you put it, i like to call those real dudes the matured ones. Thats the right thing to do; ask questions before you jump. forget love, forget those early lovey dovey feelings/emotions. This should be a long term investment, so you put extra effort in thinking that long before you jump.Danny ooo,Danny oo, God bless you for the last couple of lines;I am glad to know there are still eligible naija men who think like that. y’all must be from the new school huh?
    @sirius…I know its hard ignoring some habits, but capping on it all the time have not solved anything, so why not change and tak positively and see what difference that would make. thanks, and thanks for stopping by.
    @simeone…thanks jare. these days, a lot of people jump into the marriage wagon, just because. By the time they enter proper they realize persin no dey use q tip for eye.

  8. No one is perfect…all very well said.
    We live and learn.

  9. My dear,I tire oooooooo.
    But seriously,I think the idea of building or changing also involves the person 1 is trying to change, understand that he/she needs change……
    Interesting topic really,thanks for sharing.

  10. abeg oh,make u tell them…biko when a marriage is in the early stages..u shld still be in ur honeymoon mood..i just hate it wen peeps keep tlling me about their boyfriends shortcomings..kk…wat about the good stuff?wat about the stuff that attracted u to him?wat about them?!ugh!! biko yarn them!

  11. great post naijagirl…

    u r very right…we all need to see and highlight the great and positive character traits of our spouses, rather than focus solely on the not-so-good…

  12. @Blog….thanks,I wish we did learn for real; there’s learning and there is learning.
    @Spesh….true, but what happens when the person doesnt realize that he/she needs change?
    @Leggy….thanks jare. I was just concerned when I read some of the comments.
    @Doyin….thanks. I know i am guilty of this sometimes, but I am just learning to do it right.

  13. Naijagirl, I agree with your advice and post. No doubt, but let’s look at this thing deeply…
    Maybe it’s high time men tried to become better men and better husbands. If you look through the reasons the women in the article gave, you’ll see a common trend:
    >selfishness >Laziness >Not involving the wives in important family decision making >selfishness again >not being sensitive enough to understand the woman’s needs…. the list goes on.
    Inasmuch as we need to focus more on the positive sides of our partners, we also need to IMPROVE on ourselves.. ahn ahn, anybody will hate these above habits in their partners.
    So, I will strive to improve myself, also look at the positive sides of my partner BUT most importantly avoid being lazy, insensitive and selfish.
    Another great one from you Naijagirl.
    You make me feel like I have a long way to go in personal development.. 🙂

  14. @Ochuko….What started this post was the first couple of comments the women mentioned “I hate everything about him. we have been married for a year……i just realized recently that i despise him” (2) He’s a slob, self centered, a liar, arrogant basically a piece of shit….say what!!!??? I wish I could underline the parts that irks me….and the list goes on and on.

    I dont have any problem with self improvement, infact i am a poster girl for self development and improvement, but come on, bashing your partner on a national newspaper is not gonna make any difference, and God help you if he gets to read the paper or if his friend or family or neighbor or amebo gets hold of it, takes it to him and translates it for him.

    Everybody has a problem, both male and female; we have our shortcomings. Sometimes, we dont even realize these shortcomings, some other time we do. All I ask that you tell that person gently and in love. Harsh words just makes things worse. I would take talking to me gently over talking over me or being harsh in your conversation, but hey, when i am spoiling for a fight…..i will rather take harsh cos it sharpens my edges and makes me “harsher”…..but thats still not the way to go.

    • @Naijagirl, true words.. I totally agree and I get where you’re coming from… it’s rather unfortunate that people wash their dirty linen in public. I also believe that this LOVE that you always talk about is very paramount to a successful marriage. If there’s TRUE LOVE, they wouldn’t come out in the dailies that way. Thumbs up for this. I hope we all learn 😉

  15. […] Naijagirl on “women hating husbands“ […]

  16. Very nice and truthful post. We must all learn not be selfish and work on our shortcomings and learn to be patient and tolerant.

  17. @Tigeress….thanks a lot. Less bashing, more loving.

  18. Great points Naija girl , may we men, meet ladies like you with a clear perception of what going into the marraige institute implies and not a namby pamby,

    “i must get married before so so and so age not matter what” .

    The ticking Biological clock is the excuse i hear the most for rushing or “settling” for less, as i hear recently Let’s just hope that ticking does not turn out to be a bomb about to explode.

    Bashing your spouse to your friends or in public just shows lack of judgment for one, and just exposes the lunacy of the basher, who agreed to marry them in the first place

    Contrary to popular belief marriage is not meant to complete you or bring you happiness, but as an equilibrium to your life.

    Your partner is strong where you are weak etc EQUILIBRIUM people.

    Nice write up Naija girl, keep em coming

  19. what a beautiful post. Ochuko has a link to this post on his blog. It is so true what you have said about seeking out the good in others and moving pasts their negatives. We are all guilty of this at times. It really does take prayers to do so.

    lol@run around with your 3year old boy without complaining of waist pain or arthritis…..that is hilarious!

  20. @Oludascribe….thanks and thanks for stopping by. Abeg, no make my head grow big oo. I like your use of equilibrum to define it. thanks once more
    @Taire…lol, thanks a lot. have a wonderful weekend

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