Its not you, its me

        Any typical lady can relate with an episode of ‘moment in time”; moment where you make an issue out of something that ought not to be or perhaps, a moment where you lashed out way too soon. In a society where everybody points a finger at something, the big culprit was discovered to be “hormones”, which has led to these mood changes and fluctuations.

      You may live with a guy or be in a relationship for years and yet the person cannot comprehend your “moments”. The guy may assume you are going to start a quarrel, whereas quarrel is the last thing on your mind. You may find yourself in a position where you/he will keep roping him/himself in with your/his words until he falls for it.

           Sometimes, I watch guys dig big holes for themselves while thinking they are doing the right thing or making the lady happy. As I watch, I shake my head waiting for when the guy will realize that he is zip codes away from the lady’s vantage point. Of course, at the end of the day, the guy will raise his hands in defeat and complain “you are difficult/impossible/cant be understood/crazy”, but the truth is that we get worked up over little things that we ought not to.

         Today, I came across an article by Gary Chapman and this is an excerpt from it;

“Jesus taught an important lesson about relationships. Essentially, what He said is that if any of us tries to improve a relationship by getting the other person to change (working hard to get the speck out of the other person’s eye), energies are being expended in the wrong direction. The place to begin is with our own failures (the plank or beam in one’s own eye). Alone with God, simply ask, “Lord, what’s wrong with me? what are my faults? what are my sins” Get your pencil and paper ready, for that is a prayer God will answer”

           I can relate to this write up, especially where I want to improve a relationship by trying to change a person. As human beings, we are so keen on finding faults and the truth is that finding faults and making trouble are very easy to accomplish. While talking to a friend recently, it dawned on me that it’s so easy to make an issue out of anything—if you allow it. A simple “hello/good morning/how are you” can turn into an issue, but that is if you allow it.

         I learned from this article that instead of keeping count of all the wrongs done to me or all the faults of people around me. Perhaps, I should go into my little corner and ask God to change me. I found it amazing that while going over my journal entries, I realized most of the issues I had with a friend of mine were caused by me, but at those times, I shipped all the blame on this particular friend. It took the wisdom of hindsight for me to realize “its not you, its me”.

           Its not easy to accept the concept of “its not you, its me”. It’s not easy to accept that the fault is from you, but it’s obtainable. It’s not easy to forego wrongs done, but it’s doable. Even while I was thinking these words over, there were scenarios that came to my mind where I could boldly say “these people were wrong; this was his/her fault”, but the purpose of this article is to get your mind out of the negatives and concentrate on the positive.

        Gary went further with “Any time you become aware of friction or ill feelings in your relationships, the first question should be “Lord, what’s wrong with me?” As you see where you are wrong, confess it, accept God’s forgiveness, and ask His Spirit to control you. People do not “make us miserable.” We choose to be miserable. The immediate emotion that arises after the action of another person may be automatic and beyond your control, but what you do with that emotion is your decision”.

         The highlighted parts still emphasize the discussion from yesterday, and with that I can only say that we give people the power to hurt us; no one can hurt you without your consent. Now, before you go pointing fingers next time, pause and look at yourself. Perhaps “its not you, its me” could be true in such an instance.

                       My words, my views, my style! Naijagirl©2009

Published in: on April 14, 2009 at 2:27 am  Comments (14)  

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14 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. 1st

  2. wow naijagirl that was an amazing post.. i strongly agree with you and i especially like that quote

    People do not “make us miserable.” We choose to be miserable. nicee

  3. True talk lady. Reminds me of Ephesians 4:26 where it says,”In your anger do not sin”. I always read that as, there is nothing wrong with being angry, we are human but it’s what we do when we are angry that matters.

  4. For me, trying to change people have been futile…I learnt 2 things that work : praying for the person and changing myself.

  5. Very well said…. Guess ultimately its about taking responsibility for our actions and taking steps to resolve them by communicating clearly…not blaming hormones

  6. @Tigress…lol, you are sooo first
    @BSNC…lol, you welcome
    @Taynement….yeah, its what we do with our anger or how long our anger last
    @Rita….I always relied on praying, but I guess I have to spice it up with praying for myself and looking more inner than outward
    @Danny….communication in any kind of relationship is essential, and when anyone understand that,he/she is on the right track

  7. Lovely and insightful…
    In life we must be the change we wish to see!

  8. @Blog….thanks. Yes, change must start within us

  9. mhmmmmm..thanks naijagirl..its so so easy to want to put the blame on others..but if mr z always finds someone to blame for every situation he will neva do anything about it..
    nicely written..

  10. job well done Naijagirl…
    my hubby usually says “when I begin to see so many faults in others, it’s an indication to me that something is wrong with ME and I need to check myself”…
    thx for this wake-up call…

  11. True yarnz…I am too guilty of this…I have learnt to accept the fact that I have my faults too…that makes me…NOT PERFECT!

  12. once again,dearie you have said it as it is….

  13. Very nice post!:) People are quick to point figers at their partners and think they are never wrong. But we have to remember that no one is perfect and that includes ourselves. We shld put our pride aside and evaluate ourselves. Even if it’s true that it’s your partner that is always messing up- that still says a lot about the sort of person u are.

  14. @Simeone….thanks and you welcome. you are right
    @Doyin….thanks and you welcome. Now i know one reason why you married him–he’s smart
    @Nolimit….i feel you, it took me a while to be able to admit to myself that i am not the best person to live with. I have my own share of faults
    @Farida…thanks hon
    @Tigress…i like that “it says a lot about you” when you are able to forego what someone has done or forego pushing blames all the time.

    Thanks everyone for your input.

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