Culinary challenged

           Mr. H, a typical naija guy married an onyibo wife not for paper, but for like) and lived in onyibo land. He went on a trip to Naija and when he had concluded his business there, he decided to come back to his wife . He spoke with his wife on the phone before he left naija and his wife told him not to eat anything on the way cos she prepared a delicious meal for him. With all the excitement of hearing his onyibo wife claim to cook naija meal for him, he passed all the food vendors in Murtala Muhammed airport without paying them any mind. They served the usual snacks in his flight, but he declined. He did not budge, not even when his stomach rumbled. Why? Because he was looking forward to his wife’s well prepared meal.

         He got back home, did the mandatory welcome hug and kisses. Wife said “go take a shower hon, when yu come down, your food will be on the table” but he impatiently refused. Wife glowed at the excitement on Mr. H’s face and she rushed to serve the food. When Mr. H saw the egusi soup wife had prepared, he started salivating. He quickly gave her a kiss on the mouth for she has outdone herself. Our people say the eyes must eat first before the mouth, and because the eyes of Mr. H have found the soup appealing, he decided to dig in.

            He dug his finger into the bowl of soup to take the first lick but his taste buds must be faulty ‘cos the appealing soup tasted like sawdust. No, something is wrong; I should have brushed my teeth before I decided to eat. He decided to roll his ball of farina/garri this time before putting it into his mouth. But the taste was the taste. Wife who sat next to him rubbing his back all these while noticed the change in his demeanor and asked,

What’s wrong honey? You don’t like it?” 

“Wife, how did you prepare this meal?

I put the egusi inside water and turned it”

“Hot or cold water?”

“You funny Mr. H, its cold water of course”. 

             Seeing the dark lines on his forehead popping, Wife knew she had done something wrong. The testament came through the next words whispered by Mr. H “You boil it, you fry it, you cook it”. Mr. H pushed the plate, as he rushed to go throw up any remnant of the live egusi soup still in his stomach. Wife followed him repeatedly saying “I am sorry, I am sorry”.

         Will he forgive her? Of course, he will. Will his stomach forgive her for denying the stomach all the goodies on the trip only to be given sawdust? Perhaps not. Mr. H ended up drinking tea before he went to bed. That night, he dreamt about all the good naija soup he had eaten from his mother’s kitchen, within the few days he was in naija. But now, he is back to the white man’s land and as the igbo man would say ala adighi level (the ground is not level anymore).

         This article does not refer to only naija guys married to onyibo wives who cannot prepare naija meals, but to naija guys married to naija wives who cannot prepare naija meals. I have encountered ladies who told me they learned how to cook in their husband’s house. For some of them, their husbands cooked while they took lessons. For some, their husband went back to their ex girlfriends or visited the nearest mamaput/restaurant. For some others, they were sent back to their parents’ house on the ground that she is culinary challenged.

Why I like naija: I like Naija because it is only in naija where a lady can be sent packing from her husband’s house because she cannot cook. I like naija because it is the one place where you dial 911 and the operators pretend there is a problem with the phone line. It is only in naija where the police use batons to chase robbers armed with the latest ammunitions. It is only in naija where robbers can use knockout as ammunitions—It is only in Naija!

Quote of the day: If a way to a guy’s heart is through his stomach. A way to my own heart is knowing that a guy can cook—Naijagirl©2009


                          My words, my views, my style!Naijagirl©2009

Published in: on March 19, 2009 at 2:13 am  Comments (12)  

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12 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Hear, hear on that last point! For years I have been saying that it’s not only me that must know how to cook: I want my Naija man to be handy in the kitchen! What fun that would be.

    Maybe my father has spoiled me for that sha…he can cook!

  2. Omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant believe i’m actually first on someone’s blog for the first time ever!!!!!!!!!!!! lol
    Dont mind me…im just one drama queen…i’ll brb


  3. oh comment moderation…im guess im not first then…Dang!!!!!!!!!!

  4. @GNG…..I hear you my dear. I guess mine is cos almost all male in my immediate and extended family can cook, so when i come across a guy and he cant cook and he is proud of it, i look at him….uhhh funny. My own is let him at leat sabi cook for himself or prepare a snack that he can eat

    @Fashinga….LOL. pele, you are second and third

  5. LOL @ your title…..Guess the motive behind th sound counts for more than the soup itself.. She wanted to make some Nigerian soup for mr H!

    Valid last point you make about dude being able to cook being part of the way to your heart…. only snag is that from amongst all dudes i know and talk to, only a very minute proportion believe they should even be in the vicinity of the kitchen.. much less help out or even take ovr cooking duties for whatever reason….

  6. It’s no hidden fact that I prefer eating my wife’s cooking. My culinary skills are on the up though I won’t say they are on par with hers but I can do somethings she can’t which is good.

    Nice post

  7. There’s a popular saying that “Those that say the way to a guy’s heart is through his stomach… Must have filed geography!”

    His wife isn’t making an effort.. It ain’t that hard to learn certain delicacies!!

  8. @DB……Thanks jare, I wish Mr. H would have taught missus how to prepare the naija dish….she was trying to make him happy. I grew up with the fantasy that all guys could cook ‘cos most guys i knew could prepare something they could eat….now, i know better

    @Dabizniz….The good thing is that you can at least prepare something you can eat, even if it’s sandwich. The better thing is that you have missus whose food you enjoy. What happens to our single guys?……mamaput

    @Roc….LOL.. They will surely pass geography when they realize the way to my own heart. Some non nigerians think our language and dishes and other things are difficult to learn

  9. Guess he has to teach his wife how to cook, so as not to drink tea to bed next time. But seriously, to all those who can’t cook -surprise yourself,and start taking lessons !

  10. @Blog…LOL. I bet he will do that when he’s done fuming. I suspect you can cook

  11. interesting piece…its funny when u hear that a naija girl bred in naija,,..doesn’t know how to cook…

  12. @Simeone…I met a lady once, came from a family of 10 girls and according to her, none of them could cook. Her husband taught her how to cook after she was married

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